I woke up this morning with the most horrible tummy ache, the kind where you can’t even drink a cup of coffee without worry of a dash to the bathroom. Anxiety is a culprit of many hours of sleep, mostly mornings. I need this time though to get ‘grounded’, before I face the day of ups and downs seasoned with emotions of all kinds.
why do I tell you?
For weeks every morning I had to milk my cow, yes I have a cow. She is a relatively new addition to our “wanna be” homestead. She was consuming all of my sacred time. The mornings. I know I am being dramatic when I say sacred time but truly it feels like it. This is the time where I open up my bible and plug in, dig in, pray and write. So, since I accidently gave her mastitis or my prayers were answered and God gave her a reason to not be milked… I have my sacred time back.
Choosing to write the above paragraph was not really for anyone’s benefit. I don’t even know why I gave you that information. Well, again this is my problem. I have a thought and BAM it is like I have to relay it to someone. As if anyone really cares that I have a milk cow or that I may have to ‘dash to the bathroom’. Ok, so getting to the problem. There are some people that can very easily keep their internal messaging to themselves. Let me give you an example; someone reads a post online, they can think about it, process it without discussion and move on. STRANGE to me why my brain needs to externally process things.
i want to be quiet
I look at these “well mannered” people with envy. God made them so quiet and seemingly cautious of what comes out of their mouth. The other day I struggled with my feelings again, big surprise. They just blurted out on undeserving ears and I felt awful afterwards, I was opened up and super vulnerable in that moment. It was like I needed to explain what was going on inside of me, or they would think I was mad at them if I didn’t. When I keep my frustration inside, it isn’t long and someone says, “why are you so quiet Jessica?” It is like a time bomb, waiting for the explosion. I am quiet because I don’t want to say what I am thinking, yet I feel like people around me know. They secretly want to hear my opinion lol.
self loathing
In response to not being very proud of my discussion, I self loathe. Yup, wishing I were someone else. When someone says they wish they could speak out like me or talk or influence like I can, I cry. They usually think it is out of happiness and appreciation, nope, I am crying because I actually hate this part of myself. Some people applaud me and say, man I wish I could say what you say. Then they carry on with their quiet, uninterrupted life and envy invades me.
GOD has the answer
God gives us all ‘callings’. I wouldn’t say my rubber-band brain is a calling per say but it is what I do with it. Sigh, so this brings me to this morning. Reading the Bible I am in Colossians. My heart is still hurting to try to figure out how I can stop saying how I feel or think. Then I read this:
Pray that I may proclaim it clearly, as I should. Be wise in the way you act toward outsiders; make the most of every opportunity. Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone. Colossians 4:4-6 When I read these verses this morning, I was reminded that my conversations usually have been for purpose, good purpose. An opportunity always awaits me to show grace to those that do not know Him. And if someone asks me why I am so quiet or if I am upset, I realize intellectually I do not have to give them an answer until I know I can be clear, full of grace and seasoned with salt. Practice will make perfect, right? In this very angry, confused world, I pray that God helps me to remember these words today as I venture out. Even though part of me thinks Paul had his best writing and teaching from prison all alone; I know God doesn't have this plan for me today. But really... how much easier would it be to keep quiet if I were at home, no distractions and just study scripture? lol Until I write again, Jessica
Chelsea Price says
I can totally relate to feeling this way sometimes, and the feeling of discouragement and self loathing can make for very lonely experiences… but hope to encourage you with 1 Corinthians 12:12-27. We are intentionally created different characteristics, quirks, strengths, and weaknesses. Your gifts are likely often the things other people wish they were gifted with ❤️