Do you know that time when you made a left turn when you were supposed to make a right? The cars went against you and the signs looked a little strange. Maybe in that moment you realized you went down a one-way street; you felt a rush of adrenalin to get out of the danger. In that moment your only wish was to be safe!
Heading the “wrong way”
This was my experience almost twenty four years ago. My path was not very safe; I was coming down a road in my life that was scary. Everyone around me seemed to know their direction and were heading that one way; yet I was bound and determined to go against traffic. I was on fire to spread God’s Word. I loved Him so much and wanted nothing more than to shine His love on others.
Then Fear took over
Let me explain a bit about some lies I listened to. Poverty is real and with a few bad choies I could be in that trap. My biggest fear was that I would cry like my mom had each day about money. I would somehow choose to make a few bad decisions and BAM it would happen to me too!
This lie penetrated my relationship with Christ. Eventhough I was safe under my families roof, cared for deeply, I was terrified of one thing, POVERTY.
Poverty was the rationale behind many of my choices early on. The fear over took me to make one decision after another.
Lifestyle over Listening
I had a need to be loved by someone on earth that could take care of me financially. Well, lets back up again a bit. I KNEW I could take care of myself however the line of work I wanted to do in my life at that time would neve have afforded me the lifestyle I also dreamed of.
I wanted to become a Christian Psychologist. That career was so new in 1997 and not many people viewed psychology and Christianity as a career that could be long-term. Many people told me it was a fad. My mom said to me “Who would need a Christian Psychologist?” Which I interpreted that there were not that many Christians out there that would value a psychologists opinion. My mom and my boyfriend convinced me that I should do the safe route, become a nurse, make money and live happily ever after.
I QUIT
Temporary choices that lead to a spiral effect later on. Turned out I hated watching people suffer and die. It was only after all of my book work and labs were finished, the nursing school sent us out to care for REAL people. I dropped out. Quit!
In debt now over ten thousand dollars, no job, no school and in my eyes no future. It wasn’t even practical now to go in debt again for Christian Psychology, as I needed to pay this debt off first!
I am in control
So, like any smart woman in debt, scared of poverty and no real life purpose ahead. I chose marriage and family. I always wanted to be a mother and I sure didn’t want to work while raising children! A feasible plan arose and I would just get this done first and figure out the work part later! Seemed like a great plan.
My boyfriend, my life-long high school “sweetheart” made more money than professors at university. He was working hard and after all we knew we would be married one day. Why not now?
Glimpses of Gods Best
This morning God showed me a flash of my past starting at these choices. He showed me a girl in a dorm room, studying scripture, praising Jesus and surrounded by others who loved God.
He showed me immense joy that filled my heart. My passion for the Gospel was alive in this vision. He showed me my now husband, as a student and our natural connection, without painful past hurts.
I started to cry. Thank you God for showing me what Your plan was! So next time I veer off on a one way street I will enjoy the adrenalin a bit longer; embracing the fears of going “against the traffic”.
Learning to slow down
His plan is sometimes scary because we don’t have faith. We want to jump into the ‘safe lane’ and go 150km/hr. God wanted me to slow down and ask Him to be my direction; my lane.
I do not regret any part of my first marriage. All of the craziness and pains have pointed me directly back to Christ. What I do feel sad about is that I wasn’t listening to Christ. I had a lot of unnecessary pains that made my life a little more challenging.
Pain to Prosper His Words
The fear of poverty lead me to a life experiences full of pain. Yes, I took this pain and made it work to shine Gods love. He showed me today what alignment could have felt like with Him.
From a small seed of fear, grew a lot of pain, destruction and brokenness. But my experiences have produced a brighter stronger woman, more grateful to God. He allowed me to make those decisions because He knew the ending.
His Glory Shines
I became a counselor. I could empathize from my own pains and truly understand the trauma people had endured. What I have learned is that the choices I made against God did infact lead me to the exact place of origin He needed me in.
Coaching, teaching, leading people to Him. Everyday my walk is nurtured and His great plan He started when I was born is happening each and everyday.
Turning Fear to Function each day
OK,ok,ok… wait a minute do you think I never let fear get the better of me? Not true. I have many areas of my life I live in fear and I have reacted according to my flesh. What is different now, is that I know I can slow down long enough to ask God for direction and His plan usually unfolds very naturally. My motto now is that if it has to be forced, it usually isn’t based in Faith.
Thank you for reading to the end. This one was not as eloquent or easy to read as some of my writing. I just had to get it out.
~ Jessica
this is so vulnerable, thank you for sharing! I am really leaning into this way of making choices… out of what I WANT my life to look like for the FUTURE ME, rather than operating out of my past conditioning and current concerns. Level UP!