Writing while you are still hurt usually is a situation that would not benefit someone else. So, I apologize in advance if you get nothing out of my emotional state at this time. I am taking advantage of this outlet to expel some misguided and misused words directed at me this week, that clearly belonged silent.
word impact
“I hate you.” Straight to my face. Grade three. I quivered and held back tears. I mustered out the words “Why do you hate me?” The girl walked away from me and shouted looking back over her shoulder, ” I don’t have to have a reason, I just do!” I spent a good portion of my grade three year following around this girl asking her why she didn’t like me. I was convinced that I must have hurt her in some way.
they knew I was weak
This one liner, killed me. I am 40 uhhh… 41 years old now and I can remember where I was standing; how those words hurt and how I reacted. The bullying started and it wasn’t just one girl that knew I was weak. It was now a group, turned into a few groups which turned into a small school. The bullying continued till grade 7; and it etched away most of my happy personality. I always felt like I wasn’t good enough, smart enough, pretty enough… the list goes on.
catch yourself
These memories flooded back to me this week. Out of the blue, through an unsuspecting phone call. I was told something I didn’t deserve to hear. Someone else’s opinion, someone else’s perspective, I did not ask for. It made that person feel better, only to shatter me to the core.
When you are living with love in your soul and walking in a healthy spirit, I believe your words will come out that reflect the same. But the old adage says “hurt people, hurt people.”
perspective matters
Instead of lashing back, I tried reasoning; perspective and rationalizing theory, but nothing worked. I wish I could say I held in the pain and hurt but I didn’t, I too became a hurt person, hurting others around me. I lashed out at my beautiful husband. And my hurt was turning my happy personality into pain.
I am realizing now that if I too allow my hurt to hurt people I am no better! So, I am writing this to remind myself that my best friend, Jesus is the only one who deserves to speak into my life with Truth. His truth doesn’t destroy my joy or kill my ambition. His opinion of me is all that really matters.
how will you be remembered?
On earth we will be remembered by how we made others feel. I want to be confident that Christs love shines through me, even when I am hurting.
So, today while I am still hurt and holding onto pain, I pray that God will show His face brightly and heal my heart.
living God’s Best for our lives
If you have made it this far in my writing, I thank you. Thank you for taking the time to listen to one woman’s vulnerable heart. We all have struggles and if we can’t build each other up among the mess we live in , I truly believe we are not living God’s Best for our lives.
~Jessica
Oh wow…. Jess I completely relate 💕 I was bullied my entire elementary school life, in every school I moved too. So much trauma… but I’m healing ❤️
Thank you for sharing. Your vulnerability is always so refreshing and resonates with me.
I’m sorry that someone felt the need to hurt you in order to make themselves feel better… I honestly pity those kind of people…. they are so broken and need help.
❤️
It’s so good to make space for how you feel and write or talk about it and share with someone who cares. The vulnerability and honesty leads to freedom for sure!
Thank you Christa. In dark places is where we see the Light. I know that we all have our skeletons and it is when we are vulnerable and authentic that true healing can happen.
Thank you Christa. In dark places is where we see the Light. I know that we all have our skeletons and it is when we are vulnerable and authentic that true healing can happen.
Hey sweet girl. I just mentioned that I acknowledge your feelings. How very RAW they are. Kids can be so mean and I’m sorry you endured that, you did not deserve it. Not all hearts are cruel and I know Chelsea liked you very much. She used to come home and talk about how nice you were. You are soooo pretty, and kind and good. Successful. You are also an imperfect human give yourself a break. You are loved. Most importantly you have faith. You can move mountains. The truth will set you free. Oh, and the person who hurt you this week….they are still in grade 3.
Thank you for this Wendy. Such a good reminder to me how others see you is not necessarily how we see ourselves. I really enjoyed talking with Chelsea and having such great conversations. God bless you.