You have probably never heard the phrase ‘park’ used in context to anger before, well if you are my friend you have.
truth is shocking
There have been times in the past three years where my brass knuckles have wanted to come out, and I wanted nothing more than to experience what it would feel like to punch someone square in the face. If this is shocking to you, I apologize, the truth can sometimes be this way.
no one is perfect
When someone hurts my family, my friends or our family business I tend to get a little heated. Over time, I have learned how to turn to verses in the Bible like Psalm 37 and calm myself down; realizing God will have His wrath on people so I don’t have to. Well, this isn’t the best approach to living a quote ‘Christian’ life either.
finding the middle
Waiting for God to have his wrath on someone is comparison to holding the biggest grudge with the most powerful sword in the universe; ready to kill. There is no power in waiting on God’s wrath nor is there in going ‘park’ on someone. So, how do I find the sweet spot? The in-between waiting for God or taking matters into my own hands?
secrecy isn’t my fortitude
There will be times in all of our lives where we will be on either extreme ends of the anger pendulum. I want to say that the tragedies and pain that society has went through as a whole, has created a sense of ‘tiptoe-secrecy’ or a ‘bold-outspokenness’ in most people. There seems to be no in-between any longer.
talk, text, write
Not being able to talk about what has happened to people who were not vaxxed, leaves me feeling ‘park’ or waiting for God’s wrath. I should clarify, I don’t want to have a fist fight with a local business owner or a friend that now ignores me; nor do I want them to go to hell. There is just a feeling of deep anger in not being able to talk, so I am choosing to blog.
heart pain
Being locked out of my favorite coffee shops, stores and restaurants left a huge hole in my heart. I see people who smile to my face; yet behind my back are telling others I am one of those “crazy conspiracy theorists”. I don’t know who you all are but some of you are now re-requesting to be my friends on facebook, which I didn’t even know you left my page.
Inside I felt like I had some sort of rabies when I would walk around without a mask on. I wasn’t always a non-masker… early 2020 I was making masks for hundreds of people and distributing them for free. It wasn’t until I took the time to do some research and listen to hundreds of hours of interviews from doctors around the world, that I took mine off.
will you hurt me?
The anger inside of me comes from fear. Being fearful is a terrible place to be; because I always feel like at any moment someone will hurt me again. I go to the ice rink and think, man why am I here? It wasn’t but a year ago and I was not allowed here to watch my own son learn to skate. Or, lets see I go to a restaurant and think, a year ago you held me at the door and said sorry you don’t have a QR Code.
we all have choices
Sigh, I know I have been told people were doing the best they could with what choices they had. This is what terrifies me! Our culture is so greedy and fear-based that they would rather sell out a friend or a loyal patron than risk standing up for what they truly believed. We all had choices; and yes sometimes they come with consequences that may not seem pleasant. There may be a fear of losing income, well my friends what you give credence too, you will manifest.
fit in more than feel real
There were people that believed they could die and those that were just appeasing the government. Majority of people ripped their mask off as soon as they saw it was ok to in my office, or in my car or at my house. I respected anyone who chose to wear one or felt nervous of getting sick. It was my lack of respect for those people who didn’t believe they worked yet put one on just to “fit in” or “be accepted” that grated on my sensibilities for some reason.
They were not walking with authenticity or integrity. It was hard to have respect for people who wanted to be liked so badly that they jumped on board.
leave grandma to die alone
People seemed so easily manipulated into believing to segregate themselves from their dying grandparents. They kicked out healthy patrons from their shops and restaurants and never invited their “unvaxxed” friends over anymore. People were flooding the vax clinics in order to go to a movie theatre then blasting pictures all over social channels trying to convince others to do it too?! I wish more people would have stood up for what they truly believed; not to just have the conveniences of life.
working on me
Because this is my blog and I can say what I want here, I am not too proud to say I still want to go park on people. There are challenges every so often that come up in my life and I need to work on them. I am HUMAN, with real feelings, real emotion, real hurts.
feel like a fraud
Many times I have been told I am a strong woman yet I tend to feel like a fraud. On the outside I am appearing strong, but get me into a line up at Walmart and watch me squirm from the inside out. You may even see a tear fall down my face as the anxiety of keeping quiet is so hard that I can’t breathe.
paralyzed by fear
Last July I was stuck in the shoe section of a store, paralyzed by fear. I didn’t want to bump into someone I “knew”. Scared that they would see right through my eyes and know every nicety that I say is complete bullshit.
I called my husband and he talked me through the tears and helped me walk towards the nearest checkout. While I was on the phone with him, I purposely didn’t make eye contact with anyone! I just kept my head faced forward and eyes on the prize, the check out.
be honest
When I got into the car I felt relief. This has been my life for the past year. Not too many people know how I am really feeling inside. The best way to work on walking with authenticity and integrity is for me to be honest. Speaking up, making noise and being heard is far more authentic for me than tiptoeing around in fear.
One day, I will allow God to heal my brokenness. I am just not sure it is today. That’s the honest truth.
