We were driving to church on Sunday, after a weekend marriage conference and we had an argument. Not the petty disagreement type either; it was LOUD, tear-filled and painful words swiftly fell out of my mouth. I found myself saying “Don’t judge my words, until you have the courage to say your own”.
not your typical fight
Our fight was not what ‘normal’ couples fight about; kids, money and sex, it was worse! It was about my voice and how I use it on social channels or publicly. NOW, I know many of you right now are nodding your heads in complete agreement with my husband. You as well have questioned my opinions, my knee-jerk posts or sometimes my angry outbursts. I do not disagree with any of you.
i lied
The fact is that I am just Jessica doing my best to share parts of me that I feel are important. What many of you do not know about me is that for years of my childhood I held something very terrible inside. I kept a secret that no child should feel they have to. I held this secret in and I covered it up with lies upon lies. If someone walked by me anywhere, I would say “I know that guy, I played cards with him.”
being part of a big cover-up
The lies were so much a part of my life to cover up the pain of holding the truth in. When Jesus came into my heart when I was nine years old, EVERYTHING CHANGED. I came home from camp and I spoke truth. I stood my ground and no one would ever tell me I was a liar again.
finally peace, within the chaos
Each time I would say the TRUTH and I heard Jesus whisper to me, “Be strong Jessica, I am with you.” This truth hurt our family, hurt my mom who I loved so much and my whole family seemed upside down. Crying became a normal night time bedtime routine. But for the first time in my short life, my world seemed to be turning right-side up!
Jesus my only friend
My world was now based on TRUTH and Christ was my new best friend (and only friend). He and I talked for hours upon hours. I would be made fun of and called names like bible thumper, holier than thou, hiding behind God, Self-Righteous and the list went on. I must add, this name calling wasn’t just from your typical school yard bully, this was from my family.
being set apart
My friends, I took those names with pride. I actually loved that people noticed I was different. Today, I struggle more than ever, because I look so much the same as the secular person down the street. Nothing in this world sets me apart but ONE THING…
fear and valid points
Skip ahead to the whole reason why I wrote this tonight… my husband requested me to be silent. He asked me nicely to not share how I feel because he worries people will judge me, ridicule me or be hurtful towards me. His fear is that people reading my posts will not know my heart and I will lose friends. He has valid points.
come on jessica, refine your message
I agree with him that I need to be more “refined” in my speech; agreed, I get heated. But I would rather be truthful than liked. In this world I don’t think I could be both. Jesus is my best friend and He is by my side this is the only thing that matters. Being afraid that someone would abandon me kept me silent for years in my childhood, I can’t do that to myself again.
not as polished as i’d like to be
I won’t be silent ever again and I am truly sorry if I am not as polished as you’d like, or even as I hoped to be. My words will become more eloquent over time; as I am still learning to be more like Christ each day.
Maybe I won’t ever have all the right words, but I will never be afraid again to say something.
EVIL PROSPERS WHEN GOOD PEOPLE SAY NOTHING.
Sincerely, I say to anyone I have offended, hurt or caused divineness with my words. I mean no harm to you. My heart needs to speak and I can’t stay silent.
God Bless you all, Christ is with all of us- it is up to you to open your heart to let Him lead your life.
