We have all heard the phrase, “oh that person is a little ‘rough around the edges'”. This phrase tugged on my heart strings as I thought about what ‘smooth around the edges’ would encompass. It seems like being smooth around the edges means that you are just that, ‘smooth’. Painful situations run off of these smooth people and things just fall to their demise to be trampled or forgotten. Being smooth seemed to always be the attraction to me but never quite attainable; the jagged edges of being me seem to be sharp hooks that hold people’s pain. I try to never forget and to try to make sense of their pain.
you can’t hide grief
This homeless man I met, could have been any one of us! Unbearable grief desires to be exposed to the elements; rather than harbored in a comfortable home or behind a tall glass of vino.
After meeting this man, I am more aware of what rough around the edges really means to me. His pain was deep inside and yet he allowed his outside appearance to resemble what was going on inside. The cry for help embodied by his camouflage hoody, his jeans were decent, shoes clean; it was his nails gave away his pain. His eyes were grateful as I handed him a gift card for Tim’s. Looking deep into his blue eyes, I was transfixed by the sorrow in his soul; my mouth spoke what my heart wanted to say.
I asked him to me his story.
anyone’s dad
To my shock, this man who could have been anyone’s dad! He shared that he had been a supervisor for a cement company that went out of business. Quick to keep his integrity; he said that he now has another job; and he works hard but it just pays the bills for his basement suite; and that he is on the street to help with food. He gave me his current address; when I asked where home was, I smiled and replied, “No, I mean, where did you live before that?” He then told me four other addresses and streets he had lived on. Our conversation was no more than seven minutes. He discussed how many homes he had, bad situations, reasons for his current situation; and the whole time I kept asking myself, how did he get here?
Then I asked him if he had children.
this changed my life
As the tears filled up his eyes, he said something that will change me for the rest of my life: “I had a daughter; she would have been seventeen; she died years ago; the streets are way easier to deal with than the pain of losing her”. As he started walking away from our conversation I said to him, “Sir, I know this hurts, I am a counsellor this is why I was asking these questions”. I did not want him thinking I was a random stranger prodding (which I was)! He responded, “You are a counsellor? I nodded and waited for a response. He paused, looked me in the eyes and smiled as if to say, “thank you” for caring about me.
i was a sobbing mess
After this encounter, I jumped into my car sobbing as tears streamed down my face I realized that loving people means you truly see their pain, it sticks to you and you are not ‘smooth’ like the world tells you to be. People who love, do not run away, hoping the situation or person will magically work it out for themself. Real love is jagged, rough, unkempt, unpredictable, and does not fit inside the smooth lines of societal norms or political correctness.
it could be me
I sobbed to my husband as I sat in my car, telling him that this man could be me! (I knew if I just left the conversation there he would come to his own conclusions, so I explained further). The pain I am going through is severe; and the world wants me to get over my grief on their timeline! Grief is not allowed for longer than a weekend to most smoothies! I was shouting by this time.
be smooth
When my agony is unbearable I put on my ‘Sunday best’ and pretend… I am okay, so everyone else is ok, when they look at me. It is not until I answer their questions with the jagged truth that they know I am in ‘rough shape’. I see their faces turn; and the conversation goes to comments like, “Oh Jessica, this is just so sad, I will pray for you”. As they walk away; feeling proud of their love, their smoothness is observed as they take off for coffee at Starbucks.
Many times I stand there exposed, makeup on, dressed up and my hair done, as my insides are ripping apart.
where is the love?
I went out of my way to talk to this homeless man because I could visibly see his pain! His pain was rough and smelly, unkempt and disheveled. As a society we tend to dismiss them because they likely have a ‘mental health disorder’! Has anyone ever considered their roughness as exposed rawness?
This man was crying out for help when the world offers nothing but standardized responses. My unkemptness, my rawness is exposed in our small town. I have heard that people have said I have a mental health issue, no, this is my rawness! Years of being neglected by people who are supposed to love you, nurture you, care for you and protect you. Best friends that abandon you at the first sign of discomfort or loss. I am missing my kids like missing part of my soul. There are no words to describe the grief I am going through; so it shows up as raw, rough around the edges realness.
expose yourself, take the chance to be real
My mental state is just as real as that homeless man who is grieving the loss of his daughter. Grief does not have a timeline; an indicator or predictor of when it will be over, or how you will look while you go through it. This man embodied grief; and I will remember him forever, cherishing the awareness that being rough around the edges is exposed realness.
Tomorrow may come and my rawness may be more exposed, who is okay with that? Truly, who wants to be there for someone, getting dirty with them? Not too many people.
do prayer, but do it with your hands
God commands us to love others. However, our societal view of love is to stay as far away from the mess as possible. We are to avoid pain at all costs and pray that someone else intervene. Today’s society hopes that the government programs will help ‘those people’, this my friends is not the answer. Jesus went to the people who were in agony. He touched the lepers, healed the man filled with demons. Jesus was not fearful that He would get leprosy, or be filled with the demons. He taught us to reach out even if the situation looks out of control; too big to handle or rough around the edges.
grief is not a mental health disorder
Next time you see someone a little rough around the edges, remember it is not a mental health disorder; it is a societal disorder.
Pray for them, but do it with your hands on them, over a cup of coffee. Get to know the pain people are in; and be willing to jump in to the rough with them instead of avoiding them.
People need love, compassion, and a cup of coffee.
I would love to have a virtual coffee with you sometime. I am working on a big goal to write a book! When I reach my $1000 goal I will commit to five hours a week of intentional writing. ( Plus I may buy another goat)…I promise I will share the milk! This link boosts my confidence and shows me that people enjoy hearing from me. You do not have to buy me a coffee; but buy someone one and write about it on my blog comments. I truly believe sharing is the best gift we can give.
This is my little link below👇
Let’s do coffee!
