built in childhood
It has occurred to me in the past few weeks that the last few years I have been listening to the Gremlin messages in my head. These are negative energy messages used to protect me from something. These “somethings” are usually built in childhood.
gremlins can be cute too
Gremlins sounded like a really terrible name for the negative messages. I heard a lady one time name them ‘ducks’ voice, quack quacking away. The idea of the message being a duck was cute; however now that I really delve into my negative messages, the gremlin is far more evil than the cute duck.
Coaching has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. Not the athletic type ha ha but the inspiring, leader-type coach. I was a natural at helping encourage people in my teens and early adult life. There always seemed to be a place or an event where I found myself listening to a persons problem and coaching them through to get to a new ‘understanding’.
so many mistakes, all were wins
Having a very diverse past (aka; many mistakes), I have learned that each and every one of those mistakes were actually successes towards my life today. Being grateful for the valley’s and the darkness I once had in my life is the key to my fulfilment and the people I help. I counselled people going through crisis for many years and supported them by navigating their journey with them, not for them. I never knew this was actually coaching, we were called Crisis Counsellors.
i am a fraud?
Well, this brings me to today. My gremlins in my closet. The ones that do not help me! Many times I hear “Jessica you are so brave”, or “Jessica you have accomplished so many things”. These statements are true; however what people do not see are the gremlins. Sometimes the compliments make me feel like a fraud; because my gremlin is saying “you are not good enough”.
For example, when I was building our real estate business, my gremlins kept saying “you will fail”, “no one really wants you to succeed” and the best one was “no one really likes you”. These three played over and over in my head, I would work harder, longer hours, more make-up, more , more, more.
can i learn to bond?
It wasn’t until these past few months, that I have really come to terms with my gremlins. When I looked at my now seven year old son and thought “I gave up all of these years being a present mom, so that I could appease my gremlin”. People can say I had time with him, which is true. However, when your body is there and your mind is with work it is really hard to bond.
There were weeks when I wouldn’t tuck my son in for bed more than three times. I never had a meal with my family for over a year unless I was forced (my husband was good at reminding me to sit with the family). Add to the equation all the days of resentment and fights I would have with my beautiful, sweet husband; blaming him for my gremlins. He didn’t put those gremlins in my head, they took a childhood to build.
children learn what they are told
Acknowledging that I am successful in business is a great booster to my confidence, my status, my pocketbook and my closet, but it comes with a price. Many people do not know the motivations behind successful people; I am keen to bet I am not alone with these gremlins of fear of failure and not being good enough. I come from a childhood motivated by success, “why did you only get 95%, what happened to the other 5%?” These and others were common ‘motivational speeches’ I would hold onto through out my childhood.
living within your gremlins each day
Add on that my industry of work has no real loyalty. My Realtor’s can leave for any whim they please. I experienced a few painful good-byes over the course of 5 years. Being ‘good enough’ and ‘fear of abandonment’ went rampant for me, during these experiences. No one sees behind the scenes; they don’t really want to and I don’t blame them. Our industry is based on money… mike drop. I am trying so hard to build a business with a team atmosphere and it is because this is my core value.
Yet these gremlins pop-up telling me day by day, “they will abandon you, because you are not good enough”. So, next time you see me, and I am smiling doing the authentic “Jessica”; know that behind this successful, dedicated, hard-working, intelligent and fierce woman; there are huge gremlins I fight each day.
i don’t get a free-pass
Knowing my gremlins, helps me to win each day. I am noticing them, naming them and managing their influence in my life. Being authentic to my life means that I don’t get a free-pass on evaluating my own negative messages. Just because I help others get through their gremlins does not mean I can have a ticket out of jail.
What do your gremlins tell you?
