chronic pain- I judged you.

This writing is part of my compel writing challenge, day four. I am supposed to write to the woman who is experiencing the pain I have walked through. Well, I had to change it a bit, maybe I just don’t like to follow instructions but I really needed to say this story my own way.

outside smile, inside pain

I do not know how you have done such a wonderful job at smiling when your insides hurt so much. The way you walk in a room and light up everyone’s day with laughter and encouragement astounds me!

There was a time when I would say that chronic pain was a ‘mind-over-matter’ kind of thing. I would see someone who constantly complained and was irritated by their pain every second of every day! It never dawned on me that their pain could be ‘that bad’. I saw you, the woman who was in pain as a loser, someone who couldn’t get through the pain with grace. I am not proud of my judgement.

i am starting to understand

A tree fell on me six weeks ago. Yup, that’s what I said! A big old poplar tree crushed my left side and tossed me into the gravel on my lane way, while I was just minding my own business. This my friend was the start to understanding chronic pain.

The beginning I was in pain, but you could visibly see why. I had broken bones, bruises, cuts and swollenness. Now, six weeks later the lingering pain is not visible, it is deep in my tissues, my shoulders, my hands and my arm. This lingering pain BOILS MY BLOOD!

just wait in bed

Mornings are the WORST! I have no movement in my body without spastic pains and throbbing as if I had just ran a marathon the night before or possibly someone what stabbing my shoulder with a fork. I take a painkiller and wait in bed for twenty minutes.

i judged you

I am sorry my friend for judging you and thinking your pain could be handled by your mental ability to control it. You are my new hero. I attain to be like you. A woman with a strong smile, determination and positivity despite the agony you feel inside with your chronic pain.

i want to be a winner not a whiner

You suffer daily and never complain. The winner in you probably wants nothing more than to whine and gain sympathy… yet you don’t! Thank you for giving me this inspiration and motivation to get through my day with a smile (even if only for a few minutes, or while I am in front of people).

i need to ask for help

Each pain reminds me now that I am ALIVE and ready to tackle the next adventure. I will tackle these new adventures with no shame in taking a painkiller if I need to. I won’t do my day with resentment to the tiny pill that takes the edge off the pain. What I have learned is that sometimes I do need to ask for help, even if it is in the form of a little white pill.

I judged people that took pills to get through their day, and now God has put me in your shoes. It is my goal to do my pain as gracefully as you do yours. I want to be ok with swallowing my help if that is what I need. Please don’t judge me, with the same level I judged you. I am sometimes not as strong as you are.

Forgive me my friend. You mind is stronger than your body, because you can accept help and smile when you enter a room. God Bless You.