i asked for it

Sometimes we need to ask ourselves tough questions. For example, “why did I do that one thing that made me feel so excited at the time, yet put so much fear in me I almost became paralyzed?”

Today I have to ask myself a question that I know a really big part of me already knows the answer and is resisting the truth.

desires of our heart

God gave me everything I have and everything I have asked for – unfortunately. I do believe that when we pray and whine and beg God for the desires of our heart, He really wants to give them to us. He, like any good Father wants to teach us therefore He will not always give us what we want unless in the end it will glorify Him somehow. We don’t know how this could possibly work out for the good in times of stress, loss, fear, sadness or hurts, but believe me, if one life is changed to Glorify God it will work in His favour.

The journey I have had has taught me cruel lessons. Do I blame God? NO! I ASKED for every last lesson. Did I know it was a lesson at the time? not really… I mean sometimes the lesson was clear and I chose to learn the hard way. Other times, the lesson was shown to me way into the future as I now can look back.

My husband and I have been desiring a place for retreat for years now. We have travelled to lakes, resorts, flown to parts of the U.S, road trips and scanned our realtor sites, however never felt enough courage to write an offer on any place. We are real estate agents in our day jobs, so we know we are the WORST buyer clients.

unrested soul

I have a constant lure to a new “home” somewhere else, that is different than our home we live in. I have had this knowing feeling on each “holiday” we go on. It is like my soul is in a place of unrest and I want to find the perfect place to write, journal, blog, reflect and for some reason I always think I can’t do this at home.

fear crept in

Then it happened, we did it, last night. We finally wrote the offer and submitted it to the listing agent! A treasure was found, a cute lake house, close to home, beach front and a view that would surely inspire me to write everyday! We both knew something was happening inside ourselves, but we didn’t say anything out loud. Fear was creeping in.

Our journey to find the retreat property is over? We found the place we would rest in? What I haven’t shared with you yet is that this property was three times the amount we wanted to spend! God is going to teach us a lesson here in this moment and for the next 25 years of mortgage payments. Sigh.

i feel selfish

God says we need to be careful with our money and that we are to use it for His Glory. We are to help “His people” Matthew 25:40. I feel selfish. All I want to do is tell the world of my close friends and family “we put in an offer, we did it! We did it! My fear of the educational value of this purchase is creeping in and I am secretly hoping the offer fails.

My mind is racing thoughts. Just like when we bought our business the offer was written and then the sickness of fear struck. We would ask ourselves, “did we make the right decision?” almost ten times a day! So far God has allowed us to use the business for His work and has blessed others through our connections. This decision turned out well.

God is teaching me

I have been getting up every morning earlier and earlier to start my day. On my own. The sun opens my eyes. I am compelled to write and read God’s word. This place we offered on may very well be the place I can write and be inspired. None the less, I have a sneaky feeling God is already teaching me. He is saying “Be happy, be content where I have already blessed you to be.”

better ending

The above writing was done yesterday morning, and by eight in the evening the same day, the Realtor called and said another offer had been chosen and we would not be the new owners. God doesn’t always give me exactly what I am asking for, its usually better in the end. Man, I can’t wait to see what He must have in store for us, because patience is not my virtue. Sigh.