the big picture at 40

hell of a lot less

In 40 years I will be 80. God willing, this is 40 more summers. When I look at the big picture it is 40 years which is half my life. I want to say that the next 40 will be the better 40, the cleaner, wiser, softer and slower 40. God knows that the last 40 flew by in a version quite opposite. It was as if I could not stop looking at tomorrow, a week from now, a year from now, but I didn’t look as far ahead as 80. What does 80 look like to me? What will matter? Let me tell you, a whole hell of a lot less than what matters today.

the end result

Beginnings are great! The only problem with beginnings is that they never last. My last 40 years I liked to start things and barely liked the follow through, I think I am addicted to beginnings. I resented the work it took to learn jazz, or guitar, read Charlotte’s Web or even work through my struggles in my marriage. I didn’t like the middle part, and I rarely made it to the end result.

never get far

One great thing about being a mom, is that kids just keep on requiring you to work. I never knew love till I became a parent, however I never knew heartache like this before either. They are the one thing in my life that I can’t just stop doing. I am not going to lie to you or to myself, I have had moments of running away; just as fast sometimes as they have from me. Instinctively, I never get far.

to the middle

In the middle, you either grow together or you grow apart and both ways you learn. In the middle, you usually go through trials and hard lessons and its in this stage that you question if the job is right, is the relationship a match or is this diet actually working. The last 40 years I have made it successfully to the middle, and there it ended.

i learned

I am still learning every day, yet I do choose to believe I did a lot of my tough learning and growing pains in those first years. Joyfully, I often bragged that I was not an experiential learner, more of a “watch and see” kind of girl. Hindsight is 20/20, I know God has allowed me to experience more than I care to ever remember. He knocked me off of my self-righteous pedestal and allowed me to experience my own willful sin and my yearning for new beginnings. Boy, have I learned.

the better plan

I am in “middle”-age now and truthfully, I am a bit scared of the “middle”. I want to do the right thing, now more than ever so that I can get the ending just right. Digging deep into prayer takes everything in me to realize that getting the ending just right is God’s plan for my life and not mine. He will point me in the direction I need to pursue, and unlike the last 40, I want to listen to Him and follow His way for my life. Certainly, taking His route will be the better plan than my own, and possibly a lot less experiential learning.

read that book

In the next 40 years I want to say how I stuck through, I went through the middle and made it to the end. I will read that book, and do the piano lessons, and push through the tough seasons of my marriage.

May I get through the middle a little less scathed, and those who are on the journey beside or walk through my path, be touched somehow positively to make my legacy last.